NEPHEW

Happy birthday to my favourite nephew. If you’re my only nephew, don’t get carried away—it wasn’t a particularly competitive selection process. You entered this family small, loud and permanently sticky. Since then, you’ve mainly improved in height and your ability to request money. You possess the confidence of somebody with a detailed plan and the decision-making ability of a pigeon trapped inside a conservatory. The wonderful thing about being your aunt or uncle is that I can encourage the bad ideas, enjoy the resulting chaos and then return you to whoever is legally responsible. Still, you’re funny, kind and considerably less disappointing than we initially feared. Have a brilliant birthday, Nephew. Love you x