FIANCÉ

Happy birthday to the man I’ve agreed to marry despite having witnessed exactly how he loads a dishwasher, handles a minor illness and reacts when his football team loses. Being engaged means planning a future with somebody who says ‘whatever you want,’ then immediately rejects every available option. You believe one decorative cushion is excessive, that every journey has a better route and that owning a screwdriver makes you a qualified tradesman. You proposed with a ring, several promises and a romantic speech. I accepted before remembering the legally binding implications. Still, you’re funny, kind and the only person I want to annoy for the rest of my life. Happy birthday to my future husband and current pain in the arse. Love you, Fiancé x