NIECE

Happy birthday to my favourite niece. If you’re my only niece, don’t get carried away—it wasn’t a particularly competitive selection process. You entered the family small, loud and permanently sticky. Since then, your main improvements have been height, vocabulary and the ability to request money with increasingly elaborate explanations. You possess the confidence of somebody with a detailed plan and the decision-making ability of a pigeon trapped inside a conservatory. The wonderful thing about being your aunt or uncle is that I can encourage the questionable ideas, enjoy the resulting chaos and then return you to whoever is legally responsible. Still, you’re funny, kind and considerably less disappointing than we initially feared. Love you, Niece x