FIANCÉE

Happy birthday to the woman I’ve agreed to marry despite having witnessed how she handles minor inconveniences, chooses somewhere to eat and responds when told to calm down. Being engaged means planning a future with somebody who says “I don’t mind” before immediately rejecting every available option. You proposed—or accepted—with love, excitement and several promises neither of us properly read. Now we’re organising a wedding while pretending budgets are suggestions and seating plans aren’t capable of starting wars. Still, you’re funny, loyal and the only person I want to annoy for the rest of my life. I’d choose you again without hesitation—although I might ask more questions about the terms and conditions. Love you, my future wife and current nightmare x